Unfamily Me

Earlier this morning, before going out of my bed, I confronted myself. I first went through with forgiving myself for everything that hurt me. There came a lot of things. I never knew that I still carry those things. To make the long story short, I did what I should do and went away with it. Next thing that I have to arrange is my problem with my family. They don't know about it because I did my best to hide it. It was actually a suggestion from my friend when I told him that I'm going to fix everything about myself. He's the only one who knows about this. So when I told myself about family, things started to be different. I suddenly burst into tears. Everything went back. Even those bad childhood memories that I knew I forgot all these years went back. It was just hidden under those fake smiles when we talk about family. I know you may ask what my problem is. You would probably say "Hey you grew up on a complete family. You travel a lot. You've been to places we've never been. You went there with your family, right? You get everything you want. What's the big fuss? Screw you man, you're living a near perfect life so what's this all about?" Well guys, what you've seen is just a pretty big picture, you've never seen the details. Only one person knows about this, aside from me. I never lived a near perfect life. Being me sucks. Yes, I have a complete family but what's the sense of being complete if you can't feel the love. Yeah they love each other but me. Do they love me? I dunno. Care, perhaps. Love is different from care. Caring is conditional while love is unconditional. They don't love me. They just care for me. Perhaps they're just there. Just to suffice what the constitution, morals and customs has mandated them. But love, I don't think so. I never felt being loved by my parents. They never loved me. I bet if they will read this, instead of feeling bad for me they would even tell me "Anong hindi ka namin mahal? Punyeta ka baka gusto mong lumayas ng maramadaman mong di ka namin mahal?" See what I mean? That would be 85% correct. They never loved me and perhaps they never will. Instead of asking what's wrong and would comfort me, that's what I will get. I would be even happy to run away from them, I just could not do that as of the moment. I neither have a job nor a college diploma. Once that I have a good paying job and a diploma, I bet I would buy myself a new house where I can feel being loved, even if I'm alone. It's better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who are telling you lies t=since childhood that they love you. How can they say they love me with all those things they say if I forgot to simply cover the food? It's like getting capital punishment for that. I can't blame myself for not loving them. Yes, I don't really love them. If they hate, I don't hate them. I just can't love them back because how can you love back if there's no love to be rooted from them. I'm no saint to do that. I'm just being neutral. I won't love them or hate them. That's why I envy those kids who come from a broken family yet they are being loved by their parents. At least he/ she is loved by his/ her parents despite of ending up separated. It's even way better to be poor and loved than to have a pretty good financials but no love from your parents. Now, classmates, tell me that she's the epitome of a mother. Can you? I just hope that someday they will learn to love me. I just hope that that someday isn't far enough as my "love" is slowly fading away.