Outburst!

They say that moving on from something you love is the hardest thing to be done on earth. Whether moving on from love or death, it doesn't matter. But why is it easy for me?

Perhaps you will ask me "Saan ka mag-momove on? May namatay ba? Naging kayo ba?" Yes, nobody from my family and friends died(Perhaps I could put AJ Perez here. Yeah, He's my idol and it still feels surreal but I'm coping up.) and we were never together. That fact we have never been a couple is saddening and making things complicated as it seems. NO.

We were never a couple. Her friends would just tag me and make us an item because they know what I feel for her. I tried every way to communicate with her. Text, call, commenting, posting, tweeting, DMing. Name it, I did it. Nothing seemed to work. Yeah, some of it worked but nothing was changed on my brand positioning on her mind. Naks, marketing guy oh! haha Anyway, I think in her mind, I'm still like her old schoolmate and kuya. Oh well, she could have told me that.

I did my best to communicate with her but I guess and I want to think that she's just goddamn respectful that she doesn't want to tell me to stop and it would be very awkward since I never told her that I love her. What keeps me still thinking is that se could have at least replied to most of it then gradually lessening it to put me on a lighter note instead of like this. Well, obviously she doesn't like. Who am I to be liked?

But going back to the topic(Yeah, that was just a pretty long, bitter and biased background) here's the deal: WHY IS IT EASY FOR SOME, LIKE ME, TO MOVE ON?

I know it doesn't really apply to me since I still can't with AJ's passing. Yes, This guy doesn't know me but man he's too young and good to be taken away from us right? There are other kids, especially those good for nothing, who are great and viable catch for the grim reaper right? See what I mean with Can't-move-on-with-AJ's-death thing right? But what about her? My classmate told me that prolly I can say these things because I never loved her because if I did, I won't say those things. Screw her and her traditional thoughts. "Don't believe in her," her suitor said. Yeah I shouldn't. They don't know what happened. They don't know how much effort I spent just to do those things. Only two people in this planet will agree with me. Oh prolly just one. The other doesn't really know what really happened. The truth is I loveD her with all my heart but it was just wasted. Yes, my time, effort and money was just wasted. They just don't know what's the reason why I can say all those things and why I could watch her be set on burning flames. They just don't know how much I was hurt by those tiny little thing she would love to call respect. That respect tried to kill me. If I continued pursuing her, probably you'll just hear it from somebody else that I hanged myself. You guys just don't know what I did for her. You just don't know how much heartache I felt for every moment she doesn't appreciate what I did. You just don't know how many times I felt like killing myself just to end up the misery I felt from loving her. You just don't know how many times I tried to look happy for you while inside I'm dying because of that shit thing I called feelings for her. You just don't know how many times I talked to myself and told it to be more patient as in no time, everything will pay back. You just don't know how many times I just laid on my bed and cry because of feeling like a shit because of her! Do you know that? Of course no! You wouldn't listen! All you know are just your traditional ways of courting. Those setting aside the guy's feeling for your own sake! You just don't know how many times I felt being sorry for being me! That's the worst feeling in this world. Now tell me that I don't have any reason to tell those things?

Luckily, someone was there to pick me up. All the time, she was there. She is my friend and I love her. This time, everything would fall back into their proper places.

Yes, I've fallen out but I've fallen again. But this time, I now it's real and correct.

Thanks for listening on my outburst. :)

31st Cancellation

I think it's about time for you guys to know what happened last Saturday night. Yes, we freaked out at AJ's party. Here's the reason why.

So the party was almost done, we have changed our clothes and went with the usual camwhore moments. Sam and I were playing with JC's slr. So we were taking pics, that time it was my moment. She took a picture of me next to the empty bottles of Tanduay Ice we drank. It was just me, the bottles, the window of a room and the darkness. Sam took a picture of mine. Right after seeing the picture she screamed "Ano 'to?! Bakit ganun?!" She almost dropped the slr then gave it to JC. Shocked by her reaction, we approached JC. Even JC was shocked. All of us were shocked. I WAS HEADLESS IN THE SAID PICTURE. I wasn't totally headless because there was my lower jaw. They told us that probably either of us moved. We said no. "Just look on the picture. Everything's clear except JM's head. Plus it took me some time to take it," Sam explained. JC, Inno and I zoomed the picture. It's freaky to see me headless but this is now way freakier. The lower jaw wasn't mine. The teeth and bone structure were different. It wasn't mine. The teeth were longer and the chin there was protruding. Even the facial hair wasn't mine since it was so evident. Yes, I have many facial hair but I shaved that day and even though I have thick facial hair, you can't see it on any picture. JC zoomed the picture again and Inno noticed that there was a head near the window but it wasn't mine. Even I agreed. It wasn't I. We agreed to delete the said picture as it connotes my death. Inno then told us that even before the party, he saw a ghost. He literally went face to face with it when Mico turned off the light. He said the ghost blocked me on the picture and that the jaw and the head was the ghost. On a somewhat lighter note, he said that the ghost was harmless but rather happy that there are people in the house. What made me rethink of everything that has happened is that days before the party, I finally made my "last will" that I even uploaded here.

That my friends is my sharing for this halloween. Too bad we deleted the picture. This is HWN102.

Don't tell me that we were just drunk that we imagined things. First, not everyone got drunk. It was just I, JC, Mico, RJ, Mimay, Darica and Jopay who drank. We even got drunk after the picture was taken. Yes, we had Tanduay Ice minutes before but a bottle won't get you drunk, not even dizzy. Second, even the owner of the house said that there really is something in that house.

HWN101

(This is a re-post from my old blog. I posted this a year ago for Halloween and I'm posting it again for the same reason. However, I'll be posting on story soon. It's way frightening.)

Have you ever had the feeling that someone is behind you despite the fact that nobody is there and there's a cold blanket that surrounds you? Maybe trying to film something but it doesn't work cause it's about a sensitive issue?

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The 'Unlockable' Cubicle

It was a very boring day at school for me, again. I decided to go to the restroom since I need to pee. I usually go there for about five minutes: 2 minutes for walking to and from, 1 minute for peeing and 2 minutes for unwinding(looking at the window). When I went out of the room it seemed that a cold blanket was wrapped around me. I felt frightened already yet I just saw the window was open so I just told myself that it might just be the wind even though I know for a fact that there is now wind at all, just to set aside my fear. So I walked fast and when I entered the restroom, I felt that something is wrong cause the first cubicle was locked. So because I was frightened, I did my thing very fast and almost ran back to the room. It just took me 2 minutes to do all those things. When I went back, I told my two classmates about that. They said "Baka naman may tao or may lock talaga yun." I said "No, kasi that's the one I use frequently and walang lock. Tsaka if someone is actually using it, it's impossible for him to lock it. Kahit umiihi siya, di naman niya maisasara yun ng ganun ka- tight, kung nakaupo siya di niya maisasara yun ng paa niya since di na siya makakaupo nun and I would see his slacks at walang ingay or any movement na maaninag eh." Then they said that I might just be hungry. Coincidentally the next week, all three of us went there at the same time. The cubicle was open. I said to them "See, walang lock, sira yung pinto." They said wag kang manakot then we all ran away.

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The Department

We were asked by our REED professor to make a presentation on certain matters on morality and abortion was given to us. We had an idea to make a documentary about it and ask our other professors to give their insight and what their subject tells about that. We went to the Social Sciences department and asked our prof if he can give an insight on the history of abortion of in the country. Since it was past six o'clock we tried the camera first so that the lighting would be good and so as the audio quality. We tried it on our classmate and it did good. We started filming and in the middle of the filming, the camera said an error occurred. The part of it wasn't saved. We tried it again and there it goes again. We decided just to use a cell phone camera and it worked but it was a low quality footage. When our classmate was filming with his cell phone we tried the camera on our classmate again and it worked. The next day, as we were eating, my classmate(who was using the dslr on the said filming) told me this "Michael, alam mo yung kahapon, yung kay Sir Jigs, ayaw gumana nung camera di ba? pero kay rj gumagana." I told her na there might just be something wrong with the position. She replied " Hindi eh, sa kahit ano naman pwede yan eh. Tsaka 3 times nangyari. Gumagana din siya nun kay Sir kapag hindi tungkol dun yung pinag-uusapan eh.Parang may pumipigil dun sa lugar na yun para mapag- usapan yun." I said "Oo nga. ano kaya ang meron dun at ayaw magpakuha."

When I'm Dead

I told myself 6 months ago that I'm going to write this.

If I'm going to die, I want to die from an accident or heart attack when I'm asleep so I won't feel any pain. I felt so many pain in my life that I don't want to feel it by the moment I die but if I would die of natural cause please follow these:

1) Let me die on either sunset or sunrise.

2) Make me face it. Let me see the last sunrise/ sunset of my life.

Donate every single organ that's possible to be donated. Even donate some parts to medical students. I want them to continue their lives with me and learn with me. Donate all of my things too to the poor, except for my iPod, laptop and phone.

Get Arlington Memorial to service me. Get a plain white coffin for me. It can either be wood or metal, as long as it's white. Let me wear a simple coat, white long sleeves polo and black tie. Also, don't tell everyone that I died. Just tell my close friends and close relatives. Tell others about my passing after my 40th day. If they are going to attend my wake (3 days and 2 nights, including the day I die), tell them to please wear white. I want my wake to be in a chapel, not in my house. Tell them not to bring anything, I neither need food nor flowers. They can just simply bring cash or prayer cards. The cash that they will bring will be donated to a foundation, any foundation that's about youth empowerment. Use my iPod during my wake. Play every single song in it, no stopping. Nobody shall cry during my wake and interment. No eulogy please since I'm no longer there to listen to it and it will just make some people cry. At my requiem mass, play these songs:

Entrance- Home by Gary Valenciano

Communion- Anima Christi

Final Blessing/ Exit- Face of God and Breath of God by Bukas Palad

As you bury me, play these songs:

1) Forever Young- Jay Z, Alphaville and Youth Group Version

2) Party Life, Original and Remix (Quest)

As they put my coffin 6 feet under, please put my iPod, laptop and cellphone inside of my coffin. Please charge them too.

After my interment, just go back to your regular lives. Go partying, don't cry.

During my 9th death day, just simply pray for me. Instead of eating, just give the money to charity.

The same shall apply on my 40th day and 1st death anniversary.

Unfamily Me

Earlier this morning, before going out of my bed, I confronted myself. I first went through with forgiving myself for everything that hurt me. There came a lot of things. I never knew that I still carry those things. To make the long story short, I did what I should do and went away with it. Next thing that I have to arrange is my problem with my family. They don't know about it because I did my best to hide it. It was actually a suggestion from my friend when I told him that I'm going to fix everything about myself. He's the only one who knows about this. So when I told myself about family, things started to be different. I suddenly burst into tears. Everything went back. Even those bad childhood memories that I knew I forgot all these years went back. It was just hidden under those fake smiles when we talk about family. I know you may ask what my problem is. You would probably say "Hey you grew up on a complete family. You travel a lot. You've been to places we've never been. You went there with your family, right? You get everything you want. What's the big fuss? Screw you man, you're living a near perfect life so what's this all about?" Well guys, what you've seen is just a pretty big picture, you've never seen the details. Only one person knows about this, aside from me. I never lived a near perfect life. Being me sucks. Yes, I have a complete family but what's the sense of being complete if you can't feel the love. Yeah they love each other but me. Do they love me? I dunno. Care, perhaps. Love is different from care. Caring is conditional while love is unconditional. They don't love me. They just care for me. Perhaps they're just there. Just to suffice what the constitution, morals and customs has mandated them. But love, I don't think so. I never felt being loved by my parents. They never loved me. I bet if they will read this, instead of feeling bad for me they would even tell me "Anong hindi ka namin mahal? Punyeta ka baka gusto mong lumayas ng maramadaman mong di ka namin mahal?" See what I mean? That would be 85% correct. They never loved me and perhaps they never will. Instead of asking what's wrong and would comfort me, that's what I will get. I would be even happy to run away from them, I just could not do that as of the moment. I neither have a job nor a college diploma. Once that I have a good paying job and a diploma, I bet I would buy myself a new house where I can feel being loved, even if I'm alone. It's better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who are telling you lies t=since childhood that they love you. How can they say they love me with all those things they say if I forgot to simply cover the food? It's like getting capital punishment for that. I can't blame myself for not loving them. Yes, I don't really love them. If they hate, I don't hate them. I just can't love them back because how can you love back if there's no love to be rooted from them. I'm no saint to do that. I'm just being neutral. I won't love them or hate them. That's why I envy those kids who come from a broken family yet they are being loved by their parents. At least he/ she is loved by his/ her parents despite of ending up separated. It's even way better to be poor and loved than to have a pretty good financials but no love from your parents. Now, classmates, tell me that she's the epitome of a mother. Can you? I just hope that someday they will learn to love me. I just hope that that someday isn't far enough as my "love" is slowly fading away.

6th Floor People

Fun.Outrageous.Supercalifragilistic

Day 1 (Manila)

10am

We left La Salle for NAIA3 riding the van. Yeah, MKA32's your boss. Everyone's on the bus except us. Now you know who's your boss.

That van ride made us realize something. Ma'am Vangie's not your average prof. If basagan's your trip, go with her haha

130-430pm

Am i making this day very detailed? Yes, I'm making it as detailed as possible. Why? NVM.

So we arrived at NAIA and checked- in. AJ actually had a hard time going through the immigration cause she's still 17 b but our prof made things go smooth sailing. After that, we got our money's changed to USD then had a smoogie at Tokyo Cafe. My smoogie's got hair in it! Damn! Yeah it has hair but luckily Tokyo Cafe's really nice to have my smoogie changed. But after that, I learned that my 100 bucks was missing. (I won't tell it here. I already made a post about that.)

430pm

We flew to Singapore for 3 hours.

730- 930pm

We arrived at Changi and ate and was supposed to meet up at 10pm.

1045pm

It's the first time we saw Ma'am Chona so angry. Yes, it was our fault. We we're late by 45 minutes cause we ate at T3 instead of taking McDo at T2.

1130pm

We arrived at the hotel and checked- in. My roommates were Inno and JC at 632. at 629 were Mimay, Annabz and Hazel.

Day 2

Tara lakad.

It was 1am and JC and I walked the streets looking for McDo cause he was hungry. Apparently, the nearest McDo was in Bugis but it's too far so we end up at 711 and other stores.

I never jaywalked here in Manila but I did in Singapore. We jaywalked but managed to get through without paying any fine. We thought that the officer's going to arrest us since a police mobile followed us. Thanks! That's one of my most memorable memory in SG! haha

We just talked about our love lives and problems that time.

5-830 am

We woke up and ate. We weren't late and was the first one among the group to get fixed and ready to go.

9am

We went to NEWater in Bedok. Nothing much happened.

10am- 630pm

We were in USS.

We went to the store first. RJ, JC and I were left there. (Darn. I just sound like a total dork. jmz, try to get better words. Grade 1 ka ba?)

Anyway, we were lost and saw Kurt's group (Oh yeah! 5th floor people!) and went with em. There was this ride, it's near the Shrek ride. Jc and I were supposed to ride that t'was a roller coaster. WAG NA SIR! haha So we just looked for the 6th floor people and found em after roaming the whole park.

After that we tried Shrek 4D. It was awesome. Next please. (Mummy na!xD)

Now the Mummy. Mummy..Mummy..Mommy!

Before entering that ride, I knew I already tried that ride in USS CA. And I was right. It was the tram ride in CA. Now, I can't blame my younger self for crying as I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Accelerator. Whew. I vomited. I hate spinning rides.

Battle Star Galactica is not your plain average rollercoaster. Jaja and Sai rode it for like 10 times. You already guys. Astig niyo. You can't make us ride that. (As of this writing, JC had his rollercoaster pic. Finally. He had this with Annabz's Mac. Hindi pa din nag-try. haha)

After that we went to the store again and RJ bought some. Btw, Rj's a 5th floor person. Nakiki-join lang siya :))

7pm

After that we went back to our hotel. We ate there since the food at USS are frickin expensive! So we just ordered pizza for 17 bucks and it was effin good. After that we went to room 629 and played with their doorbell. That doorbell actually got screwed up after many play time. We played UNO too! RJ, it's uno and not majhong. you're supposed to shout uno only. Not majhong or my name. Yeah it was hella fun. It was also the longest uno game I ever played. from 7pm to 11pm! Annabz actually won at around 8 and she just played stacko while waiting for us. She's the only winner actually cause we didn't finished it.

1130- 1am

"Tara lakad ulit."

"Tara Mustafa."

Yeah Mustafa's just 15 minutes away from us. We went there with the 5th floor people. 632 meets 5th floor. We just went to McDo and went out cause of a reason. Won't tell it! haha

Day 3

830- 1

We went to PHL embassy and SMU. zzzzz... not our thing. Only a few people enjoyed this part.

130

We ate this Malay restaurant in Joo Chiat and it wasn't awesome. Just imagine, we asked for drinking water and the waiter gave us warm water. WTH. oh well, can't blame em. Cultural difference. NOT BEING RACIST HERE.

230pm

We went to URA Centre and I realized that I should take a short architecture course.

3pm-6pm

Chinatown! Yeah I love that place! I'll go there again when I go back to SG! We almost got into a fight with an Indian seller cause JC told her that her price is so high and that back in PH she can buy that for like 8SGD. takbo hits! haha

Oh well, that was effin' funny. I still managed to buy 2 perfumes for my siblings. 10SGD for each? Not bad!

Btw, JC bought a personalized cellphone charm for Hazel. ayeeeeee <3

Hazel got it broken but she still kept it. ayeee <3 :))

Agang valentine's day right? :))

11pm

We went to Mustafa again and bought chocolates. I bought Gobstoppers cause me and my siblings love it but I bought lots and lots of Lindt cause I love Lindt. Yes, I LOVE LINDT.

1230am
They got pissed off with RJ and JC cause they caused the delay. Not taking sides but I guess we went at there at midnight cause we were expecting that they were ready for shopping til 3am. Oh well, they can't do that. Noted.

Day 4(Last Day)

9am

We went to the Merlion but didn't ride the cruise. Instead, we just went to Starbucks and bought the anniversary tumbler and talked about our love lives. Yeah, that's how we function.

10am

We went to Bugis and bought those I <3 SG shirts at Giordano. Bugis is much like Serendra and Market! Market!. A road defines social class. Sad but true.

230pm

We hate going down. We don't like to go to Ikea. Weh?

Jaja and I wasn't supposed to go to Ikea but since we were already there, we gave it a shot. We ended up buying the most. hahahahahaha

3pm

We arrived at Changi for our flight.

4pm

We roamed the airport. Bought a shirt at Billabong. Oh yeah, I went back to the sale I saw.

9pm

We headed back to MNL.

Day 5(Technically)

1215am

We landed. (Imma tell that story in another post. The funny post! haha)

PS

So if you guys want to break me, ask JC for my deep problems and dark secrets but i bet he won't tell you. haha